I OFFEND TWO MARANDAS BEFORE I OFFEND TWO MARANDAS, AND THEN I OFFEND TWO MORE

Thanks to Charles and Jeremiah. NO thanks to the rest of you!

It doesn't matter if you win or lose, just how much time you kill in the process

A funny story about that picture: It's from the wikipedia article on moais, which i accidently went to by clicking the word "moai" in excel, in a string of text which was secretly a hyperlink due to the fact that i had copied it from a table of made up gods on wikipedia.

well, more made up. you know what i mean.

Adventures

I was at the gas station today, looking for something to eat. My eyes alit on a large bag of planters trail mix, but then I remembered planters trail mix is terrible. My inability to choose something enraged me, and I grabbed the bag by two corners and flung it up into the air. It fell back down and burst on the floor, sending trail mix everywhere. I left nonchalantly, and outside by my car was a cop talking on a walkie talkie. He stared at me as I came out, so I went over to see what he wanted. He said I was under arrest, and as he led me away I realized he was the same cop who had arrested me earlier that day for a pizza incident in the park. The cop's house was right nearby, in the woods. I was vaguely worried he would rape and murder me. He didn't keep it very clean, but he had a great music collection. We became friends and decided to travel around the world. When you sit down with a piece of paper and a pencil, there's a sort of vague queasiness, because you know you could write or draw anything, anything at all, but you have no idea what to do. When you sit down in front of a computer the problem is multiplied by hundreds of times, and if the computer is on the internet, millions. Sitting there in front of Google, knowing that just a few keystrokes could take you somewhere that would change your life forever, but having no idea what they are. When you're standing in an elevator, your mind is all your own, and your choices are limited to pushing a finite number of floor buttons. At the other end of the spectrum, sitting in front of your computer your mind extends into a magic void full of all manner of things. Even when you have made your peace with them, it is somewhat like living in a house that is much too big.

Seething mass of pixelated fractally horror

Opposite day

You know how sometimes as a child, it would be "opposite day"?

When you think about it, opposite day isn't actually on the calender at all, some snot-nosed kid just declares it.

If Microsoft Excel Had a Narrator...

You'd drag down a list of numbers and he'd say "BRAVELY PULLING DOWN ON THE SELECTION HANDLE, THE USER CREATED MORE CELLS. 45! 46! 47! IN RAPID SUCCESSION THE NUMBERS APPEARED, POPULATING THE COLUMN WITH DATA"

Hilarious idea #2

There's a set of books called "I Can Read" books. How about an "I Can't Read" book?

What would it contain? Latin? Excessively long words written in tiny type? Gibberish? Sentences that curl around the page, full of differently colored characters with strange aspect ratios, some spanning multiple lines?

I'd say there should still be illustrations, but complex, incomprehensible ones, full of emphasis on what isn't being drawn, maybe with the characters fleeing some vague malevolent entity.

Late

It's Friday, and it is time for intro to psychology, taught by a bald man with a fez and a ridiculous and unpronounceable name. Instead of the normal class, however, he has arranged that we will meet at his studio. I'm unable to provide my own transportation, so Kurt has kindly let me carpool with him.

We get there early, and so I take a detour to the building's computer lab, where I talk to MagentaSalmon on the internet. Unfortunately I lose track of both time and space, and 15 minutes letter I realize I'd better find the STUDIO, as I am already late.

It's on either the second or third floor, I recall. The stairs are awfully steep, and the green carpet is so stiff it borders on being Astroturf. The building is actually quite large, with a variety of balconies looking out into large atriums.

I eat the same food at every meal, if I eat at all.

Am I even in the right building? Perhaps not. I set off across the landscape of the night, avoiding dark shapes which might be snakes. Eventually I see a light in the distance, which resolves into a neighborhood of houses, their windows lit up with christmas lights. I'd like to go inside, but I have to find that office, so instead I open a gate and go into the backyard.

Sometimes, out of nowhere, I find something to be hilariously funny, just for a few moments. Then it leaves me.

The air is heavy with mist, as if from a nearby fountain. A girl slowly walks toward me out of the house, singing in a language I do not recognize.

Day 2

The others are not handling the isolation of the countryside well. In fact, it's making them insane. Today I helped K and L get Mrs. G out of the building while some other girls played some kind of prank in a nearby room. Ordinarily I would've been involved in the prank, but as it was I was just trying to avoid conflict.

It was near twilight. I showed them around the new gardens. The old ones are too overgrown to enter. When we got to the pond, which is an opaque light green color like absinthe lately, she seemed awestruck by it. And jumped in. After a few seconds, it was evident she wasn't coming back, so I had to save her. I got L to take her inside before she saw joshua's skeleton. (Before L did, that is. Mrs. G seemed to be in shock at that point.)

Later that night I found K and L in the den, holding a knife and a corkscrew, just sitting there with madness quite evidently in their minds. I got them to snap out of it, but I don't know how long I'll be able to keep things in control over here.

the tortoise and the hare

once a tortoise and a hare had a race. the tortoise was really slow but the hare kept stopping and making detours and generally didnt take the race very seriously. eventually the hare realized the tortoise was getting real close to the finish line. he ran all the way there but the tortoise got to it just ahead of him! "you win!" said the race announcer to the tortoise! the hare just stood there in shock pulling at his ears in a comical manner. the tortoise meanwhile couldnt quite believe what was happening either. his mental gears whizzed and whirred sending off sparks of thought energy. one of his mental sprockets went flying out of his head propelled by the force of his awesome mechanical brain. it flew through the air over the trees over the forest way into the stratosphere still spinning and crackling. it flew over the lake of creeky unders where the ducks were a-quacking and the reeds were a-whistling. on the opposite bank it struck a wandering woodchuck in the spine. "fuck!" yelled the woodchuck in woodchuckese! no one heard him. eventually the tortoise became aware that everyone was waiting for him to say something. he was so flabberghasted that he couldnt really process the situation. "i... win?" said the tortoise unbelievingly. "yep!" said the race announcer who was an owl. he handed the tortoise a huge trophy made of solid gold. everyone had a big party and there was a lot of cake and balloons and stuff. the hare sat quietly in the corner scowling at everyone.

THE END

Entertainment!

I'm back, with more entertainment! For you, the reader.

Just kidding! Maybe it's time for YOU to be entertaining! I demand entertainment!

More sensitive personal information

First name: Ryder
Last name: IT'S A SECRET
Age: 29
Height: Average
Favorite color: Khaki
Favorite TV show: Mystery science theater 
What is on my desk: High powered flashlight, papers, large onion, knife
What's on the floor: Carpet, messes of wires and electronics, lint
What's on the ceiling: Two fluorescent light fixtures
What's on the north wall: Fourteen electrical outlets, three lightswitches, blank electrical faceplate, door, wires coming out of a hole and going into a hole in the ceiling, two vents, two holes where electrical outlets should be but instead there's just wires, door, empty doorway that should have a door in it but doesn't, window with venetian blinds, looking out into darkness
What's on the east wall: Are you just typing this to see yourself type?
Am I typing this just to see myself type: Mostly

 

Do I wish I were this man: No
What was that thing in harry potter called: You'll have to be more specific